Concealed loneliness is a specific problem for those who suffered neglect or profound isolation early in their life but have learned to reach out beyond their despair in ways that look like caring and friendship but with a fatal flaw. Basically put, these are people who try so hard not to be alone that they push others away through excessive attempts to be involved in their lives. Well-meaning or not, the overall impression other people get is one of being pulled on or, in extreme cases, emotionally drained by the interactions and reluctant to engage more. And, of course, this leaves the desperately lonely person feeling even more lonely than ever.
Unfortunately, the people who have written descriptions of some of the flower essences most useful for this (Chicory and Heather) tend to be the very people such people sometimes latch onto. So guess how those people and flower essences wind up being described? Not so well. I’ve been guilty of it somewhat myself. It’s a wonder people buy them at all. But they are very useful flower essences! So it being a new year I thought I’d try it again from a more compassionate point of view.
Imagine what it’s like for a young person to be so alone early in their lives. They are not only heart-breakingly depressed and lonely, they’re not gaining the opportunity and, therefore, the skills to learn how to interact well with others. They might discover that they got more attention—the attention they actually needed all along—when they got sick. So getting sick becomes a common occurrence or maybe, as time goes on, a chronic one. Or, conversely, they may have discovered that being in a caregiving role, being needed by others, was a way to get more of the feeling of love they deserve. To a moderate degree that can be a wonderful role to play, but over time—if the attention isn’t returned—to a lonely person this starts to feel awful. Codependent behaviors might set in as the person tries to “help” more, hoping for the ability to fill their need to be appreciated and included in someone else’s life. “Hey, maybe, they’ll invite me to join them for dinner or go out with them!” But when that doesn’t happen, resentment might set in. The people they’ve been helping start to hear phrases like “after all I’ve done for you, you could at least . . .” And that’s just one example. The basic issue here though is falling into a despairing place because they can’t figure out how to be loved—the core issue beneath it all. That would call for Holly Flower Essence although Chicory would be needed as well for the patterns they developed over time to cope with their situation. Holly heals the lonely inner child’s heart while Chicory shifts the conscious or unconscious need to give love or get sick in order to get love. It transforms into an ability to love and give caring to others unconditionally because your own heart no longer feels like a gaping hole.
And then there’s Heather. The Heather person has gone to a much more unconscious place. Same issues, really. They get sick a lot or develop hypochondriac symptoms or build other problems in their lives up to an unusual degree, and then use their distress about these problems to regale other people with their woes. Some of that is a normal friendship behavior—we listen to each other and help each other with our problems. But a person who needs Heather doesn’t listen or provide support to others. They feel like they are in such a state that their own problems are all they can think about. If someone reacts with concern and caring, they glom on to them and do it all the time. Now, in deep crisis this kind of behavior can crop up temporarily for almost anybody. But for some people it becomes a chronic habit that eventually causes their friends to pull away and guiltily avoid them. Which, of course, reminds the Heather person of their deeply traumatic earlier (or present time) isolation and makes them feel even worse.
Heather Bach Flower Remedy helps such a person develop the ability to remember that other people suffer from similar woes. They start to realize the commonality of suffering and needing to talk (having experienced it themselves), and become more compassionate to others and better listeners. And again, adding Holly can help heal their heart.
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Flower essences are used to assist with mind-body-spirit interactions and individual results may vary. They are extremely dilute which makes them quite safe. But because so little physical substance can be detected in a flower essence solution, these products are presumed to work on an energetic or vibrational level—something that cannot be adequately tested by western scientific methods. Claims made by me, therefore, are based on personal experiences and the evidence of the combined multiple decades of case notes by Dr. Edward Bach as well as Healing Herbs and Flower Essence Services (the companies who make the ingredients I use in my products). This is not, however, accepted medical evidence or substantiated scientific evidence from a modern allopathic point of view. I am not a medical doctor or licensed healthcare practitioner.
Statements made have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. The information provided on my blog, websites or by this company are not a substitute for a face-to-face consultation with a health care provider, and should not be construed as individual medical or mental health advice. Consulting with a health care provider is a must for anyone taking medications or working with a medical or mental health condition, and highly recommended before using any herbal product. Please consult your doctor or health care provider for any possible contraindications and/or interactions with current medications. I trust you to seek the medical guidance you need to use any of my herbal products healthily at your own risk.