A song by Dave Mason comes to mind as I start to write this blog post: “There ain’t no good guy, there ain’t no bad guy, There’s only you and me and we just disagree.”
My partner Paul and I sometimes vehemently disagree but, over the years, we have learned that the truth about what is right or best for both of us (or all concerned if what we do affects other people) is usually somewhere in the middle. Sometimes it’s closer to Paul’s way of thinking, sometimes mine. Sometimes we’re both wrong! But usually we both hold at least a small piece of the truth. It’s like the story of the blind men and the elephant. Nobody can see the whole reality of the beast—they can only perceive the small piece they can touch. So one person thinks an elephant is like a rope because he is holding the tail, another thinks it is like a tree trunk because he is touching the leg, and so on. You can argue forever stuck in your own ideologies, your own beliefs based on the small piece you hold, but that will never be right for the whole or in every situation.
Yesterday I wrote about Quaking Grass flower essence which is very helpful for group dynamics because it helps people get beyond their me-first individualistic way of thinking so they can think about what is good for the group. It’s important to stand up for your rights, needs and desires. But it is equally important to try to understand what other people think they need and why they feel that way. We often think we can’t bridge certain gaps, but if we understand the “whys” behind what people want, sometimes we can find a better “how” to address the issues.
As a Libra I often find that the best solution when I’m trying to make a decision isn’t either / or. Part of me wants this and part of me wants that—sometimes I can’t even make a decision with myself! But it always boils down to: “Why can’t I have both?” And it is amazing how often the truth is that I can! Or I can at least find a way to address both issues either sequentially or by coming up with something I didn’t think of before. And sometimes I have to give up on what I want in one area because what is best overall is most important. Compromises sometimes have to be made. That great gas mileage vehicle in our price range I wanted that would also be strong enough to pull a trailer across the country just did not exist at the time Paul and I needed it (if it exists today). We determined that pulling the trailer was more important because we really needed that, so I temporarily gave up on not wasting gasoline and never regretted that choice.
But it was a real sticking point until I put our overall needs first. I firmly believe in not wasting resources and I really would have preferred to spend less money on fuel. My ideology says that is the “right” thing to do. But sometimes, in specific situations, we need to decide what is the most loving thing to do. It doesn’t mean we’ll never have a fuel efficient car! And this is a really silly example to pull out when our world faces so many bigger issues, but the gist is the same: every decision we make takes place in the context of a greater whole and many times what is BEST at a given point in time is NOT the same as what you would do based on a sincerely held ideology, even an idealistic one.
Anthony Bourdain went through a period on his cooking/travel show where he visited parts of the United States where people did not share his ideology—Trump country, basically. We watched a series of them last night and I think they were some of his greatest work. One in West Virginia comes to mind. People might think that people in that region are uneducated or bigoted, but he sat and conversed with a respectful listening ear to people he truly didn’t agree with and learned that many of them were well-educated and many of them had close loving relationships with people of different races. They voted based on feeling like their needs and issues weren’t being listened to and gave very clear examples of how they had been let down or betrayed by the Democratic party (who they used to vote for). It was eye-opening—and heart-opening when you knew how badly some of those communities have been suffering.
No real answers came out of that except for the one Bourdain was doing himself: we need to be listening to each other. That means going far beyond the ideology and “talking points,’ and asking things like “why do you feel that way?” “What do you struggle with?” “What do you think is the best thing about your community and what is the worst part, the part that breaks your heart and needs to be healed?” He got answers! Very poignant ones and it all pointed to the same thing:
No bad guys, no good guys. Just hurting people who need to believe they can have the help they need from their government or at least support to do what needs to be done.
Flower Essences in addition to Quaking Grass do come to mind:
Yellow Star Tulip: for developing empathy and the ability to listen and be sensitive to the needs of other people
Holly: the heart-healer, for soothing anger and hate
Tiger Lily: for more cooperative relationships, soothing aggression or hostility
Calendula: for compassionate and receptive communication
Lupine: for feeling connected to the greater whole
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UPDATE (on July 4th):
So, of course, I woke up today in full-blown emotional backlash to this post (to some extent). I was brought up Jewish and still identify culturally that way. I strongly believe in the separation of church and state because, as a member of a tiny religious minority in this country, this issue affects me PERSONALLY and many people I Iove and care about. I won’t go into the details of the dream I was having because Christians WILL take offense, and because it’s a dream, it’s a metaphor for behavior I find outrageous, frightening, and, therefore, QUITE offensive myself but never feel safe enough to talk about. In my OWN country, I fear using my freedom of speech to talk about anything that will piss Christians off!
I repeat for emphasis: fear underlies anger, it underlies hate, and it underlies knee-jerk expressions of taking offense.
So what do I and other people like me need today?
My first thought? For white Christians to stand up for people of all races, religious beliefs, and sexual orientations and speak up for us! Because being a minority who speaks truth to power is terrifying and exhausting.
But, in lieu of that, I’ll tell you what flower essences I need today:
Holly: because it’s not just about anger and hate, it heals the heart of someone who has experienced abuse or discrimination and, therefore, does not feel loved. And when you don’t feel loved, it is very hard to love in return.
Hawthorn: Another heart-healer that also empowers a person to have courage, faith, and balance in how they proceed.
For Healing a Broken Heart: A blend for grief. I’m linking to the flower essence and essential oil variation of this one because it smells so good and that’s heart-soothing in itself.
Support for Troubled Times: a powerful formula with a very understated name. It’s for THESE times.
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A Legal Note:
Mama Love products are intended to add to a person’s sense of well-being. They all have worked for me and many of my customers. But nothing I make is a one size fits all magic pill; neither are they, in my opinion, drugs of any sort. In other words, flower essences may not be effective for everyone. Individual results may vary. Claims made by me are based on the evidence of years of case notes by Dr. Edward Bach as well as Healing Herbs and Flower Essence Services (the companies who make the ingredients I use in my products). This is not, however, accepted “medical” evidence. I am not a medical doctor or licensed healthcare practitioner.
Statements made have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. The information provided on my blog, websites or by this company are not a substitute for a face-to-face consultation with a health care provider, and should not be construed as individual medical or mental health advice. Consulting with a health care provider is a must for anyone taking medications or working with a medical or mental health condition, and highly recommended before using any herbal product. Please consult your doctor or health care provider for any possible contraindications and/or interactions with current medications. I trust you to seek the medical guidance you need to use my products healthily at your own risk.