Have you ever felt like things are out of control? Or fear that they will get out of control if something isn’t done about [name your fear here}? Do you ever want to control others or work too hard to control yourself or your environment? Does letting go and going with the flow sound like an insane idea?
I get you—fear is a terrible thing. And while I don’t tend to be a “control freak,” I do hate that label because it indicates a lack of sympathy for the person who has slipped into a terrified desperate to control things kind of state (and I do relate to that). On the other hand, if you’ve ever been the victim of someone else’s over-controlling behavior you know why that label fits and why if that’s all they’re calling you, they’re being “nice.” Nobody likes to be manipulated or forced into doing things against their will. It feels like being put into a straight jacket or strangled in vines for no good reason. (We’ll get to vines more in a bit.)
Just about anybody can wind up in a situation where they feel like they have no control and are at the mercy of forces too damaging to cope with. If that happens in a really intense way or for too long a time, the desire to regain control over your life and prevent that from happening again can become overwhelming. If you grew up in a family ruled by abuse, drug or alcohol addiction, or both, you probably needed to find a way to control the situation enough to keep out of harm’s way and survive. Maybe you became “the good daughter or son” or adopted any number of codependent behaviors to take care of people so they would love you or at least treat you right. Maybe you got sick and discovered that people respected your boundaries better after that or became a perfectionist so you wouldn’t “get in trouble.” Or, conversely, maybe an angry she-bear rose up in you and you discovered that forcing people to your will might be a “better” way.
As you can see there are many ways of taking control under duress and one is not necessarily better than any other. They all mess up your life, especially your relationships, when they become the default model for how to deal with what would otherwise feel like a terrifying out-of-control way of life. And I’m just scratching the surface here, barely introducing the topic.
I’ve mentioned terror twice because I do believe this is at the heart of it. Most likely you’ll need to take a good look at what happened when you were growing up when these patterns got instilled and what triggers set them off today: feeling rejected, unloved, criticized, vulnerable? Believing you are to blame, thinking that a mistake is the end of the world, believing that someone else needs to be reined in, or thinking that you need to rein in yourself?
So many things I could include here . . . but I’m going to let go of control and let you find your way. Maybe find a good therapist as a starting place or at least a good book or two. Flower essences, however, can be a valuable resource so let me list a few to look into:
Cherry Plum: for spiritual surrender and trust when fearing breakdown or loss of control.
Vine: for allowing people to make their own decisions instead of maintaining dictatorial control.
Chicory: for learning to love unconditionally if you learned to give love and attention in order to get love and now compulsively try too hard and push people away.
Crab Apple: for releasing emotional toxicity when you are obsessed with not being perfect enough.
Beech: for releasing intolerance and over-obsession with other people’s imperfections.
Rock Water: for relaxing overly rigid standards of perfection (the overly idealistic “high ground”).
And because fear and a traumatic past history is SUCH a big part of this I also recommend flower essences to help soothe and calm fear and a worried mind:
Rock Rose: for calm and courage when you feel terrified.
Star of Bethlehem: soothing comfort for grief, shock, or trauma.
White Chestnut: for calming repetitive anxious thought patterns.
Releasing Worry and Fear: flower essence combination.
Support for Troubled Times: flower essence combination.
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Flower essences are used to assist with mind-body-spirit interactions and individual results may vary. They are extremely dilute which makes them quite safe. But because so little physical substance can be detected in a flower essence solution, these products are presumed to work on an energetic or vibrational level—something that cannot be adequately tested by western scientific methods. Claims made by me, therefore, are based on personal experiences and the evidence of the combined multiple decades of case notes by Dr. Edward Bach as well as Healing Herbs and Flower Essence Services (the companies who make the ingredients I use in my products). This is not, however, accepted medical evidence or substantiated scientific evidence from a modern allopathic point of view. I am not a medical doctor or licensed healthcare practitioner.
Statements made have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. The information provided on my blog, websites or by this company are not a substitute for a face-to-face consultation with a health care provider, and should not be construed as individual medical or mental health advice. Consulting with a health care provider is a must for anyone taking medications or working with a medical or mental health condition, and highly recommended before using any herbal product. Please consult your doctor or health care provider for any possible contraindications and/or interactions with current medications. I trust you to seek the medical guidance you need to use any of my herbal products healthily at your own risk.